Why, for men, moving forward from divorce can be a long – but extremely valuable – journey to take
There’s an assumption that when it comes to men and divorce, us ‘blokes’ generally recover more easily from the fallout, the effects and the trauma. This isn’t based on sexism or lazy preconceptions – nor even the fact that, statistically, it’s more likely that the catalyst (if one exists) for ending a marriage will come from the man.
The truth, of course, is that no research exists to suggest that men are better at shaking off the emotions attached to a marriage break-up. That’s in spite of countless coffees or pints with mates who will insist you can ‘move on’, ‘rebuild’, ‘man up’, ‘get over it’, or some other metaphor that trivialises one of the most traumatic and life-defining events you’ll ever experience.
The stark probability is that you won’t want to move forward with any real verve or momentum – and, for the sake of the rest of your life, nor should you.
Having the courage, space and time to process the minutiae of divorce is not just important, but essential. However, for many, the path is littered not just with the bumps and divots you would expect, but a whole host of other obstacles that arrow in from nowhere, often without reason, logic or invitation. And some of these unexpected hazards will have a much longer-lasting effect than you’d think was possible.
Failure
For many men, the feeling of failure is one that does indeed stick around. Perhaps on this point, male pride allows itself to simmer on the surface. The present and the future are radically different to the reality you imagined, and with that goes the decimation not just of the expectations of those around you, but your own as well.
The triggers can often be unusual – seeing a happy family in the park can take your mind off on emotive wanders, while friends whose marriages you used to think of as inferior to your own now become glowing exemplars of nuclear familial bliss.
Memories
As for the temptation to look back through old photos, it’s better to confront these rather than avoid them. Pretending a few thousand images on your camera roll don’t exist is foolish – and false. This goes for all memories. Of course, they can be painful, but the point at which you can look back and begin to celebrate your past (rather than being filled by the echoes of failure), can become a really profound line in the sand for you to step across.
Many memories deserve to remain special, even if the project ultimately failed. OK, so the book became tatty, its corners bent and the paper mottled; yet the words on the page are still allowed to feel special, even if they represent a past chapter in your life.
Put another way, to always taint happy events – your dating, getting engaged, wedding day, having children – with the sourness of failure, is to diminish and disrespect what were, at the time, lovely, special, perfect episodes. Try, over time, to remember the elation and happiness of those moments.
Fear and optimism
The other big aspect of getting divorced is fear. Will my children be OK? Will I ever find anyone ever again? Will I survive as ‘me’? Who even am I?
While every divorce is different – perhaps you’re already in a new relationship, maybe you’re vehemently against committing to anyone ever again – what’s unequivocal is that things will feel different, because they are. The landscape on which you had assumed the rest of your life will be constructed has suddenly shifted catastrophically.
Life may become more or less complicated, more or less inconvenient. Either way, in a metaphorical sense, the picture you painted previously now looks very different.
Yet with change comes evolution, and no small quantity of optimism. Getting divorced is not just the cessation of a partnership that had failed to fulfil its promise or potential – it’s a resetting of ‘project you’.
The new ‘you’
From the very first day that we enter into a relationship, we mould ourselves to be a version of ourselves for that partner… in the same way that they do for us. Over time, we slowly shift from the core of who we are, to the point that perhaps when we do get divorced it takes us a while to reconfigure ourselves back to being an individual.
Now it could be we never get back to being the person we were at the start – and that’s a certainty if children are involved. Yet getting divorced does at least allow us the opportunity to reinvent who we are as an individual, as a parent, or as a bachelor – and that in itself is exciting.
Opinions
While you may be able to get on and create an exciting new version of yourself, be warned that others’ view of you may not evolve at the same pace. Something that struck me as being particularly pertinent during divorce were the opinions of others… and, as we know, everyone has one!
That some people will be siding with your ex-partner makes legitimate sense, yet it can still be difficult to come to terms with. What’s more, when you divorce, the separation you have is not just from your ex-partner, but a whole group of friends whose identity was wrapped up in you as a couple.
Thankfully, for as many people who disappoint you with their views, conjecture and partisan support of your ex-partner, the same number again will surprise you and restore your faith with support, balance and fair-mindedness.
Freedom
You’ll also have to come to terms with the probable end of a strong relationship with your ex-spouse’s family. It may be possible to retain some contact but, for the most part, it’s likely you will have to move on from this, for the sake of everyone involved.
Yet a situation in which your social life sees some options shut off may be tempered by the freedom that also comes your way. You are no longer tied to the same friends, schedules, social set-ups and conventions.
Ultimately, divorce is different for everyone. For men, the expectations are often different than they are for women, yet the emotional fallout and circumstantial changes have nothing to do with how others view us, and everything to do with how we view ourselves, and how we prioritise our ascent back to where we deserve to be.
Read our real-life stories of divorce – plus, how to care for yourself and your family while you separate
- Every divorce is different – real people share their touching and insightful experiences
- Try our 10 strategies for coping with stress while parenting through divorce
- Wellbeing is vital at this time – try our helpful self-care tips
