How to talk to your partner about divorce
Perhaps you’ve been trying to save your marriage for a while? With the best will in the world, it’s not always possible to make a relationship work. So, if you’ve come to the difficult decision to divorce, just how do you approach the matter with your spouse? Every situation is different. However, there are some strategies that can help you navigate the matter in a way that doesn’t cause the other party undue pain or trigger further aggravation and friction.
Take a pause
Before you tell your spouse you want to end the marriage, take some time to think about whether this is something you really want. Divorce is a big decision and you’ll want to be sure it’s the right one for you and that you are 100% certain before you have ‘the talk’.
No marriage is without its tricky patches. So, try to find a time to think about the decision thoroughly from a calm and rational place – not when you’re feeling angry, emotional, or resentful. If you feel as though you have explored every route, such as counselling, or even a trial separation to improve things, but to no avail, and you are absolutely sure you want to wind down the marriage, where do you start?
Many solicitors offer a free 30-minute consultation. If you’re unsure of what divorce involves or costs, or how to find a solicitor who can help you, it’s worth taking them up on one of these sessions to get a better understanding before you move ahead.
Consider how it may be received by your spouse
Have you discussed divorce before? Or will your spouse likely be ‘blindsided’ by the news? Take some time to consider this and how they may react. This will help you to work through how and when to approach the topic with your partner.
Pick the right time
Is there ever a ‘right’ time to ask for a divorce? Probably not, but if you’ve reached this point, it’s an uncomfortable conversation that needs to be had. Considering when and where you will have the divorce conversation is really important. Timing and location are key. Try to make sure that there will be no interruptions so you can focus fully on the conversation.
If there are children involved, it’s a good idea to arrange childcare so they are not around when you talk. Both of you will want to ensure the children are as protected as possible from what will likely be a challenging and potentially emotional discussion.
Also, be mindful of your spouse’s mental health. Are they feeling low, or do they have other things going on in their life which might make the news that you want a divorce even harder to take in?
Regardless of how things have ended up, you once had love for each other and perhaps still do. Try to keep that in mind as you negotiate this next phase of your lives as compassionately as you can.
Be firm but fair
It may seem easier said than done, but try to remain calm. Aim for an atmosphere that is as uncombative as possible. Let them know – gently but firmly – that despite everything, you don’t feel the marriage is working and that you feel the best thing for everyone would be to divorce.
Be direct, kind, and respectful. Explain that it’s not a decision you have taken lightly and that you have given serious consideration to this. Outline the reasons why you think divorce is the right move as diplomatically as you can.
Give it time
Hearing someone tell you they want a divorce is never an easy thing. Give your ex-partner some time for the news to sink in. You may be met with anger, disbelief, high emotion, or denial. There will be a period of adjustment to follow. Your spouse will need time to absorb and, eventually, accept the news.
Staying the course
You might find that, in the days or weeks after you deliver the news, your ex-partner may reach out to you, in an attempt to perhaps change your mind or ask you to reconsider the divorce. Stay resolute – kindly and calmly, but again firmly, reiterate the points you made in earlier discussions, explaining why you feel this is best for everyone involved. Again, give your spouse plenty of time to process what is happening.
Take care of yourself, too
Dealing with divorce can bring up a range of emotions for you, too. You might feel relieved to have broken the news. It’s also perfectly natural to mourn the end of your marriage. Take some time to look after yourself. Up the self-care and keep doing the things you enjoy. Spend time with and talk to supportive friends and family.
You and your ex-partner will both be processing and working through some big emotions. Journalling is very helpful for many people as a way of calming the mind and making sense of your thoughts.
Use this time as an opportunity to reset. Think of all the positives that will come out of the divorce. What do you want from life and your next chapter? A calmer way of living? Less stress? More contentment? To write that novel? Where do you want to be, and where do you want to go?
Divorce is a big adjustment, but it can also be a positive milestone if you allow it to be.
Let our advice help you to navigate the challenges of divorce
- Kids are the main priority when you divorce – here’s how to tell them you’re separating
- Who gets what is one of the key issues to resolve – read how your assets may be split when you divorce
- Physical and mental well being are vital – read our tips for looking after yourself during your divorce
