Caring for your kids between two homes may be a challenge – but if you’re both on board, it can be done
Moving from being a one-household, two-parent family to having two households with one parent in each is going to require some major adjustments – but organisation and communication can make co-parenting run more smoothly and will help everyone to adapt more quickly. Bear in mind that a few of these ideas are akin to a post-divorce nirvana – amicable divorce goals to aim for if possible – so don’t be too hard on yourself if a poor relationship with your ex-partner means some of them are unachievable.
1 Harmonise routines…
The majority of children benefit from having a consistent routine – especially during the initial post-divorce upheaval and when switching between homes. Keeping to the bedtimes and mealtimes that they were used to before the divorce, and trying to make sure this happens in both homes (within reason) will bring a welcome sense of predictability and familiarity.
2 …and stick to similar rules (if possible)
This one can be especially challenging to achieve if you and your ex-partner have vastly different ideas on parenting, but again, if possible, look to maintain the same or similar rules between your child’s two homes. If you can agree on any updates to these together with your ex-partner and communicate them to your child, all the better, as this should cut down on those ‘But Mum/Dad lets me do that!’ pushbacks. Areas for shared rules might include screen time, boundaries on eating chocolate and sweets, and general behaviour.
3 Communicate regularly – and wisely
In your ideal world, you might have absolutely no desire to speak to your ex-partner ever again, but shared parenting leaves you with no choice – to make the situation work as well as possible for your child’s sake, you’re going to have to keep channels of communication open.
If face-to-face contact and phone calls are likely to descend into arguments, digital might be your best bet. Keeping a specific WhatsApp or text chat solely for making arrangements and swapping information about the kids is a great way to ringfence these discussions emotionally from other aspects of your divorce, such as financial negotiations or updates on the legalities.
4 Use shared calendars and folders
Cloud-based shared calendars are really easy to set up and can be a super-practical way to keep a joint diary for your child’s activities, parents’ evenings, school trips and more. You could also create a spreadsheet to track relevant joint expenses, and a secure virtual folder to store digital copies of your child’s important documentation, such as their passport, NHS number and so on – anything either parent might need to access even occasionally.
5 Double up on key kit
If it’s affordable, having two sets of the vital stuff – one at each of your child’s homes – will make life a lot easier, instead of always transferring these items, and sometimes forgetting them or losing them in transit. Regardless, there will still be unique things you need to switch between homes, such as homework books, or pricier musical instruments or sports kit, and with these, there’s no quick fix – it’s just a case of remembering. Lists are your friend here.
6 Plan well in advance
If you’re likely to need to swap a day or weekend over, let your ex-partner know as soon as you can – and remember, this usually works best when it works both ways. Build goodwill by being accommodating (again within reason) of their requests to swap and hopefully, they will do the same for you. Give advance warning and reminders of proposed holidays and special occasions you’re likely to want the kids to attend, such as grandparents’ birthdays, if this will require a change of schedule. And on the subject of birthdays and celebrations such as Christmas – there’s no perfect solution, but alternating years or doing half the key days each does usually work best to be fair to both parents.
7 Try to live near your ex-partner (or at least nearish…)
OK, this one is truly an ‘ideal world’ scenario, as there are a thousand reasons why it might not be possible. However, experience shows that when items inevitably get forgotten between houses, and as children get older and might want to travel between their homes independently, living close by makes things much easier. Maybe not the same street, or even suburb, but vaguely nearby will save a lot of time and hassle.
Need more guidance and support? Start with these recommended reads
- Communication is key at any stage – read our tips for keeping it effective, constructive and respectful
- Try our 10 strategies for coping with stress while parenting through divorce
- When you have kids, their welfare takes priority – here’s our guide to spousal and child maintenance
