I actually spent a lot of my marriage thinking about how to get out of it…
It’s not that I disliked my husband – he’s a good man, but when I needed him to step up and be an adult, he just couldn’t. He just turned out to be incapable of taking responsibility for things and was terrible with money – and, in the end, that broke my trust.
We were together for a long time, over 20 years. But things started to go wrong well over a decade ago. It was when I had my son. Because that’s when your relationship changes as a couple. Instead of always looking after my husband, I needed him to help with things and be reliable, and he just wasn’t able to make that transition. For me, it was like having another child.
I was always the main wage earner and he’s always been hit and miss in terms of work. All the bills and the mortgage were on me. And I started to see that, actually, before he’d met me, his mum and previous girlfriends had always paid his bills. Then he announced that he was in debt. I had to pay everything off.
Not long after that, I was made redundant and he made no effort to give support or contribute. I was on my own – he just wasn’t being an adult. And then I found out he’d run up more debts again. I lost all respect for him, but I didn’t know what to do.
We had friends who’d had a really difficult divorce and, after they split up, the husband’s mental health declined. I was really scared that could happen to us, and I felt responsible. My family said, ‘How he reacts is not your problem.’ But that’s just who I am.
I put off dealing with it because of my son, as he’s the most important person in the world to me, and I just didn’t want him exposed to anything distressing. I decided I would wait until the government allowed a no-fault divorce.
To me, it’s much better if no one has to blame anyone. I don’t want to make my husband feel ashamed, and I don’t want to stir up arguments and misery that ultimately would impact on my child.
I started having conversations with my husband, but to begin with, he didn’t really listen. I had to support him to accept it, with the minimal amount of antagonism or aggression. He hoped it would change, but fundamentally the trust and respect has gone for me.
People have discouraged me, saying, ‘You’re 55, you won’t meet anyone now.’ But what do they know? People meet people at every stage of life, and anyway, it’s not about that. If my marriage is not a marriage, if I am not getting support from an equal, why do I have to stay married?
When people have opinions and advice about your divorce, often they are only really talking about what they would do. You are the only person who really knows what you need. So stop listening to other people and trust yourself.
We worked hard to minimise the cost of our divorce – I used one of the online platforms that give you a divorce adviser. They complete and submit the paperwork for you, and they are a lot cheaper than solicitors. They don’t really advise, just help navigate the bureaucracy.
My husband did nothing towards the divorce. I had to say, ‘Look at this form, have you read this?’ Sometimes I could have screamed. The hardest part was the conveyancing, when I bought him out of the house. It took a year. I really don’t know why, perhaps because the conveyancers were awful. That was definitely the lowest point and my hair started to come out from the stress. I am so glad it’s all over now.
I paid for a little bit of advice through a solicitor, and my husband saw one, too. We got to a situation where neither of us pays the other maintenance – I bought him out of our house and gave him a lump sum. I am less worried about what was fair, and more relieved that I am no longer at risk of any debt he racks up again. I have been worrying about that for over a decade.
For my son, we focused on the positive – two bedrooms to decorate, two holidays to go on. He lives with me, but his dad picks him up from school and he goes there for a few hours until I finish work on weekdays.
I’ve never told him about his dad’s debts. A boy needs to look up to his father, and I don’t want to come between them. So many times I wanted to just change the locks, but now I am glad I did it calmly. I do wish that I had been more decisive earlier, though. I would say, listen to your instinct and trust yourself. You only have one life so don’t waste it feeling stuck.
I am in a much better place now. I have booked some lovely holidays for me and my son. It’s time to get on with my life.
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Naomi’s advice ‘When people have opinions and advice about your divorce, quite often they are only really talking about what they would do. You are the only person who really knows what you need. So stop listening to other people and trust yourself.’ |
Finding solutions specific to your situation may not always be easy – but it’s worth the effort
- Work out which of The 7 types of divorce is the best fit for your circumstances
- Read our advice for tackling the everyday challenges of co-parenting after divorce
- Try our tips and techniques for keeping communication effective, constructive and respectful
