I’ve been married three times
Of course, I wish I had met my current wife first and hadn’t gone through two divorces, but in another way, I really grew up through those experiences and my values have changed so much.
I first got married at 24, after a whirlwind romance. She was a lovely girl and we were together for seven years but it just fizzled out. We were basically mates, and it just wasn’t going anywhere. I phoned her at work one day and said, ‘I think we need to talk.’ We met for lunch and by the end of that day, we had agreed we needed to divorce. There were no children and no bad feelings, so it was really simple to organise. We just split everything down the middle and filed our own paperwork.
In those days I was very materialistic, and I was working really hard in the city, keen to have the cars and the watches and all the shiny stuff. I met a girl with the same values and we hit it off. We had fabulous holidays and huge plans, but underneath we were different because I had come from a much more grounded family and she was used to tremendous wealth.
If I had been willing to see, I would have got out before I married her. I proposed with a beautiful ring. She said, ‘Yes, but that diamond isn’t big enough. Take it back and get me something bigger.’ When someone tells you who they are, you should listen.
To start with, the marriage was OK because we both wanted the same things. I was on a six-figure salary and she was doing well, too. But she wanted to quit work and have children without a drop in expendable income. She was always on at me to earn more.
It was then that I realised I had zero interest in bringing children into all that. I think as I matured I started to see there was more to life than money, but I couldn’t get her on the same page. I said, ‘Hang on, let’s get some counselling first.’ But she said no. When I decided to leave, it got nasty really quickly. Her family turned on me and her parents wanted the money they gave us as a wedding present back.
We both had solicitors and mine told me to go for 50/50. But I felt bad for being the one leaving. I thought, if she likes money so much, let her have it. I gave her everything except for the properties I owned before the marriage. I have no regrets about that. I walked away with my head held high. I can always make more money.
My own family were amazing and I think it would have been quite a different story without them, because men often struggle to talk with friends. They just don’t know what to say. They make jokes and try and cheer you up, but really that’s just because they are uncomfortable with emotional stuff. My family, though, they listened – they helped me look at it from both sides. Without them I would have struggled.
So there I was at 35, starting again. But then my third wife came along.
I knew immediately that she was different. Before, I had never wanted children – but not long after I met her, I knew I wanted them with her.
We’ve been together 12 years now – we live in the countryside and have four kids. They are our world. And I am just as crazy about my wife as I was the day I met her. Neither of us is materialistic – I have changed so much. Money doesn’t matter as much as relationships. The most important thing you’ll ever have is family. It’s been quite a journey, but I am so glad I have got to where I am.
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James’s advice Rely on your family. They have known you the longest, and they will be there for you if things get tough. |
Financial considerations are important – and so is maintaining your wellbeing
- Deciding how to split shared money and property is a key challenge – read our guide to dividing your assets
- Find out why, from the male perspective, moving on from divorce can be a long but ultimately valuable journey
- Read why self-care needs to be a priority during divorce, plus practical tips for looking after yourself
