Seeing someone new and feel ready to tell the kids? Read this first…
You’ve met someone, you’re excited and happy, and you can’t wait to share this with the world. But… hang on. When you’re a parent, dating and relationships need to be more considered and should usually move more slowly, especially when it comes to introducing your new partner to your child. Getting things right early on can smooth the way for better relationships between you all later – so here are some hints on how to play this.
Avoid oversharing your dating details
When parents separate, children need stability and predictability, so in the early weeks of a new relationship, it’s best to avoid sharing too much about it with your kids – or indeed anything if they’re younger. Older children may be curious, or eager to hear about your adventures on the dating scene, but even so, consider carefully what it would be better to tell them – or not. If in doubt, err on the side of caution.
Don’t rush introductions
So things are going well with this amazing new person, and you’re keen to bring them into your child’s life. Not so quick… One of the destabilising things, both for kids and a new relationship, can be rushing into bringing the two together before you’re sufficiently established and stable as a couple. Challenge yourself – is there really any rush? Waiting slightly longer is usually preferable: six to nine months is a good rule of thumb, although every relationship is different. Try to hold off until you’re fairly sure that the relationship is likely to last. Bringing a string of new partners into your child’s life can be confusing for them.
As well as the strength and duration of your new relationship, consider how well your child has reacted to your separation and to any initial information you’ve told them about your new partner. Do they seem receptive and ready to meet them or are they fighting the mere idea?
Accept that your child’s enthusiasm might not match yours
Some children are more encouraging of their parents’ dating than others – their reaction can depend on their personality, the situation surrounding the divorce, and any past experiences of you or their other parent starting new relationships. They may struggle with the idea of you being with someone who isn’t their mum or dad, or worry that you’ll love your new partner more than them. Or, more neutrally, they might simply not see any upsides for themselves – kids can be quite focused on what makes them happy rather than a parent’s needs. Provide reassurance that they will always come first.
If they’re unsure about meeting the new person in your life, listen to them and hold off a bit longer to see if they come round to the idea. Definitely don’t force an introduction if they’re not ready.
Once they do meet, if your child isn’t keen on your new partner, again take things slowly and try again in a little while. They might start to get used to the idea in time. If this doesn’t happen, chat with your child to try to get to the bottom of what they are feeling – is there a misunderstanding you can correct? Did they think you and their other parent might have got back together? Often, the dislike won’t be about your partner but a struggle to accept the situation more generally.
Choose something fun but short for first meet-ups
Parents who’ve been in this situation recommend picking a neutral place for the introduction, rather than doing it at home. Ideally, base it around a fun activity, such as going for an ice cream or a meal out. Keep this to an hour or two, rather than a whole day together which might overwhelm your child (and indeed your new partner). Avoid displays of physical affection with your partner in front of your child at this stage.
Continue to go slowly
So they’ve met and got on well enough – but even now, don’t put your foot too hard on the accelerator. Initially, keep most of the time you have with your child just for you and them, and take things slowly as you increase how much your new partner is around. Be especially cautious about having your partner stay overnight too soon. If they’re a ‘keeper’, they’ll respect that your relationship with your child comes first.
Hold off on having your child meet your new partner’s kids (if they have any)
In an ideal world, it’s best to allow your child plenty of time to get to know your new partner before introducing their children, which can bring all sorts of complications – personalities may be incompatible, rules may differ, and jealousy might be an issue. These challenges may be easier to negotiate if each partner already knows the other’s kids fairly well.
Let your co-parent know about the introduction beforehand
You don’t need to tell your ex-partner what you get up to on the dating scene, but when it reaches the stage where you’re bringing your new boyfriend or girlfriend into your child’s life, it’s courteous and sensible to let them know.
Good communication is key when navigating divorce and new beginnings
- Try our tips and techniques for keeping communication effective, constructive and respectful
- New relationships may lead to complications when co-parenting – read how to keep shared care on track
- Every divorce is different – real people share their experiences of separating and moving on
