Why self-care is vital when you’re dealing with the stress of divorce
According to research, moving house, getting married, and getting divorced are three of the most stressful experiences a person can go through in a lifetime.
Whichever way you look at it, separating from and divorcing your spouse can be a lot to take in. There aren’t just the legal and financial aspects to consider – the emotional weight of going through a divorce can also take its toll. It’s a big life change that comes with important decisions to make, which will affect your future and those of any children involved.
At times like these, it’s all too easy to let looking after ourselves fall to the bottom of the list. You may feel like you are running on adrenaline as you deal with the separation, divorce and all that brings. It’s natural to feel low and emotional. That’s why, now more than ever, focusing on self-care and looking after you is so important.
Top tips for looking after yourself
With big decisions to make while adapting to this transition in your life, taking care of yourself during divorce can help you feel more resilient and prepared to face potentially challenging weeks ahead.
Try to sit with your emotions
It’s not always easy, but talking through your feelings with family and friends can help you to begin to process and make sense of the situation. Don’t bottle things up.
There’s also a saying: ‘Don’t let anyone tell you how to tie your shoelaces if they have never walked in your shoes.’
In other words, choose your audience and advisers wisely. You’ll no doubt be feeling fragile or sad at the end of your marriage. Make sure that whoever you confide in is less about the ‘tough love’ and more about the empathy and understanding.
Make your home your haven
Whether what happens to the marital home is yet to be decided, or if you or your ex-partner has left it, make your current space a haven for you. During divorce, you can feel like you’re not in control and that the legal process is calling all the shots. Little things such as organising your home can help you to feel more in control of your surroundings.
This can be so cathartic, especially if you and your ex-partner had different tastes. It need not cost the earth – even some simple touches like a new rug, lamp, bright new cushions or a set of plates can help you start to make the place your own. Try moving the furniture around to create a new feel for your living space.
It’s a small but positive way of marking this next phase. New layout, new life.
Get outdoors
Although it might be the last thing you feel like – and it’s easy to want to hibernate now – aim for at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. It doesn’t need to be an Ironman workout. Even a gentle stroll with a friend or the dog can help you keep active, and walking is great for thinking time.
If you have children, factor them in, too. Make it enjoyable, involve them and show them that, despite the change in circumstances, you can all still be normal and have fun together.
Venture to new places
One of the hardest things about separation and divorce or any relationship breakdown, especially if you have been together for a while, is the memories. The places you’ve been, the restaurants you’ve eaten at, certain songs… all can be a painful trigger.
This is the time to build new memories just for you. It’s not about wiping your mind clean of your time with your ex-partner, it’s a way of acknowledging the next phase of your life in a positive way.
In time, you may look back with fondness on all the times you shared together. But right now, this is your time. Maybe there were hobbies you love that your ex-partner didn’t share? Activities or passions you put on the back burner? Make a wish list and mood board of what you want to do and see now, and in the future.
Again, it doesn’t need to cost the earth. Why not make like a tourist in your local area? Visit the free galleries, exhibitions and markets in your nearest city. Or maybe take the train and explore somewhere new?
Having these things to look forward to is a great way to keep your mind occupied by pursuits other than the divorce. Protect these times as importantly as you would a work meeting, because they are vital.
Reset and regroup
For some people, married and family life can mean our own friends and relatives take a back seat. Life happens, and it’s busy. Take this time to reconnect with your tribe. People who it’s easy to be around and who are supportive of what you’re going through.
You may find that some friends, especially those who knew you both, naturally drop away. Let them go with grace. Don’t chase them for answers or give them a hard time. Often people might not know what to say, or feel like they will be forced to pick a side. At times like these, you really do find out who is there for you. It may hurt in the moment, but in the long run, your real tribe will show up and be there.
Move on, focus on you, and spend time with people who make you feel good – or at least better.
Relaxing respite
It all sounds a tad Bridget Jones, but there is something to be said for getting together with friends and chugging a glass, or three, of Chardonnay or Peroni. And it’s OK to pour it out with friends, especially during a tough time.
But if you find you’re enjoying a tipple more than usual – especially as a way of coping if you’re feeling low – try a mindfulness or meditation app. Or use a wellbeing app that can help you to monitor your lifestyle, such as sleep, eating, drinking and exercise patterns. They are a great check-in tool to keep you on track with your habits before things escalate into unhealthy territory.
Accept help
Adjusting to solo life, or to living as a single or co-parent takes some getting used to.
Accept support when you need it and when it’s offered. It may be a shoulder to lean on, a hand moving house, a home-cooked meal, help with the school run or the offer of a playdate for the children to give you a break.
Say yes.
Evening wind-down
Distracting ourselves with TV and social media can be an easy rabbit hole to fall down. Prioritise your evening routine. Put your phone away in another room and aim to do a digital detox after 8pm each night.
Organise your outfits, meals, and items for the next day. Another little step that will help you feel more in control.
Enjoy a relaxing bath. Buy the good essential oils and soothing moisturisers. You deserve them.
If you’ve understandably been having difficulty sleeping, steer clear of caffeine after 3pm and settle down with a sleepy herbal tea to help you naturally nod off.
There are some great books that deal honestly, frankly and with searing insight into the emotions that come with divorce. Former magazine editor Rosie Green was blindsided when her husband of 26 years and university sweetheart walked out without leaving a forwarding address. In her book How to Heal a Broken Heart, Rosie shares her inspiring personal story – including plenty of practical advice – of her journey from rock bottom to reinvention. After divorce, she came back better, and more fulfilled than she ever dreamed possible.
The moral of the story? It’s OK to ugly-cry on the bathroom floor, as Rosie Green and many of us have done. Just don’t stay there.
Divorce can steer you towards a happier, calmer and more positive life. And that has to be a good thing.
Need more guidance and support? Start with these recommended reads
- Try our 10 strategies for coping with stress while parenting through divorce
- Every divorce is different – real people share their touching and insightful experiences
- Read our tips for tackling the everyday challenges of co-parenting after divorce
