You and your ex-partner both want the best for your kids – so how can you deal with the stresses of co-parenting?
Even amicable divorcees can face moments of tension when parenting is involved. Here we tackle some of the ‘everyday’ problems that separated parents might encounter, with ideas on what you can do to help solve – or at least alleviate – them.
We have clashing parenting styles and rules
This is an issue that very many co-parents have to deal with, and it may even have contributed to your separation in the first place. A common manifestation is, one of you is much stricter than the other, perhaps about things like screen-time limits, eating a healthy diet instead of junk food galore, or just about general behaviour.
Simply demanding change from your ex-partner rarely works – the reality is, they’re incredibly unlikely to say, ‘Yes, you’re right, I will be less overly strict/lax.’ So, what can you do instead?
First, take the conversation out of the heat of the moment – don’t call your ex-partner when you’re angry with them, or if something has just gone wrong with your child. Focus your conversation on what’s best for your child and the need for consistency and compromise between your parenting styles, rather than making this the equivalent of putting your parenting style and theirs in a boxing ring and fighting it out. If you feel your ex-partner gives your child junk food too often, at several times a week, could you agree a compromise of once weekly instead?
It’s a tough one to crack, but by depersonalising the conversation as much as possible, you’ll dial down the emotional stress. Ask your ex-partner how you can work together to resolve the issue – and what they would suggest – so you can create a more consistent set of rules and approaches between your child’s two homes.
If you still can’t make progress, then – to put it bluntly – you have no choice but to accept that how your ex-partner parents is up to them and not you – something that can be especially difficult if you led the parenting pre-separation. Unless your child is in danger or being abused, there is nothing further you can do about it and no legal redress.
My ex-partner ‘badmouths’ me to our child
Being stuck in the middle of warring parents is widely recognised by psychologists as being one of the most potentially damaging aspects of being part of a divorced family. So, in an ideal world, no matter how much animosity you feel, it’s healthier for children if you put that aside and never speak ill of their other parent. This is, after all, their mum or dad, who they love and feel loyal to. It can also be stressful and unfair for a child to feel like they have to referee disputes between parents, so never put them in that position.
If you’re in the early stages of separation, suggest upfront to your ex-partner that you should both stick to two golden rules: avoid talking negatively about each other, and never put the children in the middle of any future disputes. Explain to your ex-partner the harm that these behaviours can cause if they are not aware of it already.
If you feel angry about something that your ex-partner has done, hold it in around the kids, then offload to friends or adult family members. If you’re struggling with this on a regular basis, it could be worth seeking counselling.
Should it be your ex-partner who’s ‘badmouthing’ you, again, you’ll maximise your chances of changing this not by telling them to stop, but explaining the impact on your child.
In more serious cases, ‘parental alienation’ may be occurring – when the child is manipulated by one parent’s words or actions into ‘turning against’ the other. There’s no specific law against this, but if your child’s welfare is being impacted by your ex-partner’s comments and behaviour, family courts may get involved as their view is that having a positive relationship with both parents is the ideal for children.
One of us wants to move more than an hour away from the other parent
It’s not uncommon to make big life changes post-separation, and moving to a different area to be closer to family, for a new job or back to a home town can be appealing to some divorcees. The problem, though, is that this can present a major hurdle to shared care, which inevitably involves regular transfers between your child’s two homes. It’s hard to give a one-size-fits-all answer to this issue – as it depends on factors such as how often handovers take place and how far away the other parent will be. However, if you share care of your children and the distance will be impractical for their school or regular journeys between you, consult your lawyer for advice.
My ex-partner is constantly disorganised
The perennially disorganised ex-partner is another frequent complaint among divorced parents. They may turn up late, or forget to bring along clothing or equipment that your child needs for school – such as sports kit or a musical instrument. If you have asked them politely to be more punctual or reliable but they’re still messing up, what can you do? First, make it clear to your child that you know your child is not to blame for the situation. Then, when talking to your ex-partner about this problem, focus on the impact on your child more than how it affects you. With forgotten items, whenever possible, leave the consequences of the disorganisation to your ex-partner and don’t always smooth things over for your child – by making your ex pick up the pieces, there’s a slightly greater chance they might change their ways.
Need more advice? Here are our recommended reads to get you started
- Communication is key at any stage – read our tips for keeping it effective, constructive and respectful
- Try our 10 strategies for coping with stress while parenting through divorce…
- …and our 7 ways to make shared-care parenting easier
