It’s a conversation you never wanted to have with your kids, but there are ways to help to make it easier for them…
Sharing the news with your children that you’ll be separating can feel daunting and difficult, to say the least. It can bring on strong emotions for all involved, whether your child had an inkling it was coming or not. There aren’t any magic solutions to make all this stress-free – but we do have suggestions to help ensure this first step towards your post-separation family’s future is a little smoother.
Tell your child together if possible
It can be challenging if right now you can barely stand the sight of your ex-partner, but if possible, put your differences temporarily aside and explain things to your child together. It’ll reassure them that even if you aren’t going to be a couple any more, you’re still both parenting them together and will make them feel less like they have to ‘take sides’.
Choose your time and place mindfully
You don’t have to tell your child as soon as the decision to separate has been made if you need some time for the dust to settle, but equally don’t wait too long as there’s a risk they’ll find out about it from someone else or overhear a conversation.
When you’re ready to break the news, avoid moments when they’re in the middle of something, are likely to be tired – such as immediately before bed – or when they or you are about to rush off out. They’ll need space to process what you’ve said and to ask initial questions.
Choose somewhere they’ll be comfortable to show their feelings, too – typically at home.
Plan what you’ll say in advance
Again, if you can, plan with your ex-partner what you’ll tell your child, covering the basics: why, living arrangements and next steps. Stick with simpler language for younger children, such as ‘we argue a lot and this is not good for us all so we are going to live in different houses now, but we still love you and are still your mummy and daddy’. Little ones might not be able to concentrate on what you’re saying for long and might brush it off to go and play or watch TV, which can seem like an odd reaction, but, again it is normal, and you can of course return to the subject later on.
Even with teens, you don’t have to explain anything personal – at this stage a simple ‘we can’t get on, we’ve tried to solve this but think the right thing now is to separate’ is fine.
Avoid ‘TMI’ and blame
Try to avoid blame or assigning fault – you’re both their parents and whatever you think of your ex-partner, more neutral explanations are healthier for your child. This isn’t the time or place to air grievances about who said or did what and whose fault all this might be. Focus on the things that will impact your child right now and on what they need to know.
Listen, accept and acknowledge their feelings
It’s tempting to make assumptions about what your child feels about all this, but look out for how they react and what they say rather than guessing. Let them know it’s OK to be angry or upset. They might cry, they might shout, they might show little or no reaction. It’s all normal.
Hug and reassure
Children can mistakenly believe that parental separation is somehow their fault and if only they’d done something differently, it might not be happening – make it clear that’s not the case. Reassure them that you both love them and they’ll continue to see their loved ones on both sides of the family. And that, more than anything, you’ll all be OK even if there might be some challenges ahead. If there are other post-divorce families you know where things settled down successfully, highlight these.
Focus on the impact on them and be ready to answer questions…
It’s entirely understandable that your children’s focus will be on what this means for their everyday life, so pre-empt their concerns. This will vary for different children, even in the same family and by age group, but common first questions include: why you’re separating; who they’ll live with; how much they’ll see each of you and your respective extended families such as grandparents and cousins; whether they’ll be moving house or school; and what will happen to pets. Plus, for younger ones, whether they’ll have favourite toys at both homes or who they’ll spend birthdays and holidays with.
Treat all questions with respect – some might seem trivial to adult ears but if they’re asking, it’s important to them.
…but be open if you just don’t know yet
Almost inevitably at this early stage in your divorce journey, your child might have questions that you simply won’t know the answers to yet. For example, if you’ll have to negotiate finances or the split of shared care, you might not be able to say whether you’ll be able to stay in the family home or where they’ll be and when.
To retain trust, be open about not knowing, but reassure them that when you do work out the details, you’ll let them know. Also, avoid making promises you might not be able to keep. Sometimes the best thing you can say is that wherever they’ll live and whichever of you they’re with, they’ll be loved and looked after.
The first conversation – but not the last
Make it clear that if they have any further questions or worries, they can ask you whenever they want to. Check in with them a little later as their reaction evolves.
Difficult conversations maybe be unavoidable – but there are ways to navigate them successfully
- Communication is key at any stage – follow our tips for keeping it effective, constructive and respectful
- Read our advice on how to tell your partner you want to divorce
- Find out more about the emotional ‘Divorce Curve’ many of us experience while separating
