We split up three years ago, but the divorce was only finalised last month
I think patience is really important when you are getting divorced, because if someone takes a couple of weeks to get their head around something, you have to let them. It will go more smoothly if you give the other person the space and time they need.
We’d been together 20 years by the time I was 47 – we didn’t have kids. We’d met at university and just stayed together since then. Looking back now, I would say that it was a bit co-dependent, and towards the end actually a bit toxic. It wasn’t one big thing that broke us up, just the gradual realisation that I am a high-energy person full of ideas and plans, and I was married to someone who would happily spend all weekend indoors and didn’t really want a strong emotional connection with me.
We tried therapy, but she didn’t want to be there; she was very defensive and I didn’t feel she was really willing to collaborate on working things out. Eventually, it became clear that divorce was the only option.
We went to mediation, but I don’t think we got a particularly good mediator. It didn’t feel useful and after two sessions we quit.
I wish at that point we had figured out how to split our assets between us, and just got a solicitor to look over it and tell us if it was fair. But at that point, my ex got a solicitor and started communicating through them, so I had to get a solicitor, too.
We were in a rented house, so we both moved out pretty much immediately, and after that communications were either through solicitors or via text.
I have heard about other people using solicitors who are great and just get the job done as efficiently as possible, but they are not all like that. It’s not in a solicitor’s interests to keep things civil, and I found that ours would put narky comments and incendiary stuff in their letters just to wind us up. They also used a lot of jargon and made things sound more difficult than they actually were. I spent quite a lot of time explaining stuff to my ex and trying to take the heat out of whatever the solicitors had said.
We didn’t have to go to court, because I was keen to get to a place where we agreed. I’ve always earned a lot more than my ex, and we never had joint finances when we were together. We had separate money and I paid for most of the joint costs. I’d bought rental properties in university before we were married, so all the assets were technically mine, but of course that’s not how it works when you get divorced.
Ultimately, she got half of my savings and two of my four rental properties. I also paid all her fees. In some ways, I don’t believe it’s exactly fair, but in others, I want her to have a good life, and I want to honour the joint history we have.
I definitely relied on my family for emotional support, and I know that she did, too. I have lost a few friends – I guess that’s inevitable as people feel like they need to pick a side. But I am where I need to be, I feel positive. It’s been quite a journey – I have read a lot and got to know myself, in some ways for the first time. Because when you have been with someone for a really long time, it can be hard to know who you are when it’s not in relation to them.
At this stage, I would say we have both moved on. I have met someone who is ambitious and fun and I feel really excited about our future together. I know that my ex has been dating, too – and I wish her well.
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Ben’s advice: I wish we had figured out how to split our assets between us, and just got a solicitor to look over it and tell us if it was fair. |
Finding it hard to figure out the practicalities? Explore these options
- Deciding how to split shared money and property is a key challenge – read our guide to dividing your assets
- Mediation may help you to come to a fair agreement – read about what mediators do and how to find one
- For help with the complexities of the divorce process, find a solicitor who’s suited to your needs
