When you’re dealing with the pressures of divorce, self-care is a must…
Every divorce is so very different but unless you’re incredibly lucky – and pretty unusual – chances are this huge life change is going to feel stressful for you, your children, or all of you, at least sometimes. Here are a few simple but effective ideas for boosting your own wellbeing – and theirs in turn.
1 Recognise that you need to look after YOU to look after them
When divorcing, we desperately want to put our kids’ needs first – but it’s just as important to care for yourself during difficult times. It’s not being selfish, because you need to be in as good a place as possible to parent them. Offload to friends, take time out for some treats when you can, and try not to feel guilty about doing so.
2 Resolve to carry out (at least) one small act of self-care every day
Little things can make a big difference to wellbeing. It could be taking a relaxing bath, listening to a few minutes of soothing music, doodling or drawing, immersing yourself in a book, going for a walk – whatever makes you feel good. Just one thing, just for you. Five minutes, 10 minutes – whatever you can fit in.
3 Retain your routines (as much as possible)
If you’re in the midst of a particularly tough phase of your divorce, it’s easy to slip out of the habit of eating well, and you may not have the energy or motivation to get active. However, making sure you all get as much sleep as you can manage, some decent food and a bit of exercise – preferably something fun – genuinely will help keep you in a better place to deal with stresses.
Make time for self-care – set timers and reminders on your phone if necessary. For your children, sticking with their usual routines of bedtimes, mealtimes and any after-school activities will be reassuring and help little ones in particular to feel secure.
4 Break down the ‘overwhelm’
Whether it affects you or your child or both, such a significant life change can lead to feelings of overwhelm. Breaking down major, non-specific worries can make them feel a little less all-consuming, and we can then more easily start to look at actionable ways to help improve each issue too.
This applies for adults and children alike. With your child, sit together and write down – or draw – everything they’re worrying about on one side of a piece of paper and then add in any solutions on the other. If it still feels overwhelming, ask them to pick their three biggest concerns. Often, after doing this, we realise that things aren’t quite as horrendous as our brains were tricking us into thinking it was.
5 Look at ‘can change’ and ‘can’t change’ issues
Help your child to accept the things they can’t change and focus on those they do have some influence over – it’ll help them to feel a shade more in control of their life. Talk through their worries and problems and help them put the immovable ones aside. They can’t change the fact you’re separating but if they’re old enough, can they have some say in their post-separation routine, or what they’ll keep at each of their homes?
6 Take a break from ‘divorcing’
Mid-divorce, it can seem like the situation defines you and your new-shaped family. For a short spell, sometimes it’s really healthy to escape and just feel normal again. To get away from ‘The Divorce’ for a bit. Could you plan a day out with your child (it needn’t be expensive) or a trip to the cinema? Binge-watch a favourite, uplifting TV show or go bowling? Whatever it is, make it a time where you can’t and won’t talk about ‘the big issue’.
7 Create a ‘happy menu’ with your child
Discuss with your child what their favourite activities are, which make them feel good, and come up with a menu of ideas they can pick from if they’re struggling. It could include a ‘kitchen disco’, a hug, a bike ride, a trip to the park, spending time with a pet, watching comedy, cuddling their teddy bear. Write it out and leave it somewhere they can find it easily.
8 Talk through a daily ‘top three’
In the early weeks especially, it can be beneficial to have a catch-up towards the end of the day together – perhaps over dinner – where each family member shares their three best things of the day. Even tiny things count – but everyone has to find something, creating a little burst of positivity.
9 Take things one day at a time
It can sound like a cliché but it’s true – if life feels tough, just focus on getting through each day for now. That’s all you have to do and things will start getting brighter soon.
10 Get professional help if needed
If you or your kids are really struggling and things are not getting better, it may be worth considering some professional support from a counsellor who specialises in post-separation issues. If money is tight, some charities offer helplines and we-based support (try Gingerbread if you’re in the UK), and some counsellors offer reduced rates to lower-income clients. Seeking outside support doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent and isn’t something to be embarrassed about. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it shows honesty and strength.
Looking for more guidance? Start with these recommended reads
- Explore which of the 7 types of divorce is best suited to your situation
- Worrying about your wellbeing? Try our tips for looking after yourself
- Every divorce is different – real people share their experiences of working through the process
